Tuesday, August 12, 2014

O Captain! My Captain | Our Great Loss

I was sitting on my mama's couch when I head the news.  Robin Williams was dead.  My heart went into my throat.  Then, I heard the circumstances of his death, I felt my head spin.

Even though I work in the entertainment field and represent many celebrity clients, he was special to me. I have never met him, nor even been close, but his talent affected me in many ways.

Yet, even in death, he affected me.  It's no secret, that I had suffered from severe depression in the 1990's.  I spent 1 1/2 years seeking help and most importantly, seeking healing.  I didn't want to hurt anymore.  Did I have thoughts of death?  Sure I did, but I never thought about how or when.   However, I did put myself in many dangerous situations, hoping an "accident" would occur.

It's a dark place I never want to go, again.  It's a place that I know can surface in a blink if I don't use the tools that have been given to me to fight it off. 

I am not obsessed with it's presence nor control my life around it.  I cannot speak for Mr. Williams circumstances but I do know that the place he must of been on that day to take his own life, was far darker than I could of ever imagined.  

Do I think it's an easy way out?  I do not it's an easy way out.  Until you have been on the dark side, you cannot judge.  A person who hurts that badly feels they are inflicting pain on others and they are truly better off, dead. Their love of others and not wanting to see inflict any further pain on them, is foremost on the mind.  I have lost 4 people in my life to suicide.  One could say,  I have seen both sides.  I wish I have not. 

A depressed person creates an fantasy world that they are the cause of all bad and evil.  I learned that during my 1 1/2 years of therapy, that everyone thought the same as I did.  I cannot imagine his darkness or the moment he decided it was over.  I don't want to think of that dark place as I was close, but never that dark. 

I send my sympathies to the family, his friends, to my work clients who called him "friends".  I have no words to comfort you, only to say THANK YOU for sharing him with the world.  THANK YOU for giving him the love his heart so desperately wanted.

In his famous words, "It's not your fault".  It's no one's fault

The God I love and worship is a merciful God and I believe he met Robin as he crossed over to provide him the peace and comfort he so longed for.  I believe Robin is making God laugh, at this very moment, in a way that only Robin Williams could do.

Thank you, Robin Williams for sharing your voice with us.  The world mourns.  We miss you.

(c) C. Ragsdale 2010-14
Run F.A.B.,

Charlene L. Ragsdale - Las Vegas, NV
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